Tenuous Rest

I have pictures of some things that I don’t have the energy to get up and upload, so you’ll get to see them later. There are so many things going on these last two weeks that I haven’ t kept up with the rhythm I’d started in blogging and posting on facebook. Not to mention making things. I made a skirt on Saturday which I’m not sure if I’ll ever wear. It’s made of this sort of hideous vintage fabric I got at an estate sale.

So, starting with today and working backward: our little Merry is sick and probably dying. We didn’t notice anything until this morning when she was all puffy at the bottom of the cage and unsteady on both wing and foot. Harry kept pestering her so I transferred him to our small cage and in so doing accidentally let him out, whereupon he slammed himself into our picture window twice before I could catch him. He submitted more out of disorientation than truly knowing what was good for him and I swore a lot more than I usually do. He’s fine. But our poor, sweet, adventurous little Merry probably has a respiratory infection which has already spread too far to help. Henry researched it  and found out it spreads to the nervous system in the last stages, which makes them unsteady. It’s just a matter of time. You might think it’s silly to cry about a bird, but I feel like such a bad bird parent. There really isn’t anything we could have done to prevent it or treat it, but I’m still sad. I am going to miss her.

I will also miss my Grandpa Swank – who is going home from the hospital on Wednesday and probably going to his real home soon after that. They are turning off his defibrilator because it is shocking him almost constantly and not doing much good. It’s hard to imagine life without him – as it was to imagine how things would feel the same without Grandpa Zigler. They aren’t the same. He will be missed.

Also, during this incredibly busy week – Holy Week for all of you non-liturgical people – my best friend had her beloved Zion (who I got to see get born) and then was taken to the emergency room with fluid in her lungs three days later. I went from highest of highs reliving his birth and going to visit them to fearing for her life and now things are in tenuous balance. She has heart damage that may resolve itself in two weeks, two years or never. I literally CANNOT imagine my life without Bethany. The mind shies away from it. Lord have mercy.

Holy Week has taken somewhat of a backseat this year with all the drama, but I was able to appreciate Jesus’ beauty. I loved hearing all of the scripture directed to Zion during Easter Vigil and thinking of little precious Zion. He was 8 lbs. 5 oz. and 22″ long. He has the longest arms and legs and toes of any baby I’ve ever seen. When I saw that first arm come out of her, I thought: “how was this boy fitting in that tiny body?” I’ve seen births on t.v. and this was both like and completely unlike that. I really felt like I walked away changed. I know it happens every day all over the world and that it’s bloody and messy and really painful, but it does feel like seeing a miracle. One minute Zion didn’t exist and the next he was there. Since Bethany has done everything a few years ahead of me I’ve always felt like she lead the way. She’s kind of my big sister. She and Jere got married after my freshman year and I had the same feeling at their wedding that I did at Zion’s birth: that I was being allowed to watch something sacred and finally understanding it in a way I never had before. From both experiences I walked away changed.

Things with all of my family members are precious and really painful too. Feel free to keep us in your prayers. Also, Henry found out this last week he’s getting a pay cut in July. So that’s a little stressful.

There will be more happy things to come, I promise. Julie and I are talking about opening a B&B here in Chicagoland. Dream come true to work with Julie. 🙂 I got to hang out with the Green girls last week too, and run with Megan and Sarah since the weather has been unbelievable. I’m even eating up these thunder storms. Isn’t April such a great month?

And ya’ll…oh my gosh I almost forgot. Heather Armstrong, of Dooce.com, SENT ME A POSTCARD! She liked the necklace I sent her and called it chic. She says she can’t wait to wear it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here I come moderate fame and tiny fortune!

I just have to say after all this sad stuff, though: God is so good to me. I am more in love with my husband than ever, I feel so grateful for my community and settled in my life, I have so much hope for our future and our church and our careers. I’m seeing my strengths and my calling so much more clearly these days. Thank God for Lexapro and good therapists and time to pray.