April 2010 – Hold Fast

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m never going to like myself in a bathing suit all that much. You can laugh. Go ahead. I realize this is something most women have known since the age of 12 and I’m just now coming to terms with the fact that in public, clothes are much easier. Well, and in dressing rooms too – with florescent lights. Excuse my abuse of the English language here.

I tried on a couple pairs of black bottoms in target yesterday. Ha! That sentence gave me a completely different picture than I was going for, but I’ll roll with it. I have this cute, long black and white polka-dot top – with which I’ve worn green bottoms – that I will be taking to Hawaii in June. My time in front of the mirror made me think of Henry’s gorgeous cousins who, at Shuff’s 100th birthday party last weekend, all called me over to their corner of the table because they wanted to talk to me. Mind you, two of them had breezed in while we were at breakfast, fresh from their 4.5 mile morning run and looking like the picture of health and their first comment to my crusty self was: “she’s so pretty!” Sarah is/was a pilates instructor and runner and one look at her calves confirms this. Megan is a dancer in NYC and Mary Ellen runs, is a mom of a two year and 10 month old. When I told her she didn’t look like she’d had a baby 10 months ago, Sarah quipped: “she has a tape-worm.”

Anyway, I can’t get over how lovely and completely un-self-involved these women are. I felt more like family almost than I’ve ever felt anywhere. Meanwhile, Elliott plied me with tales of life planning parties in L.A.. Well, that’s sort of what he does. It has to do with lighting, but also sound, but then if you really ask him he’ll say that he’s just managing teams of people doing those things. While also traveling from the suburbs of San Fran twice a month and working at a country club. Elliott knows a lot of things about a lot of things for only being 24. Right? Or is it 25?

We got to see Molly and Shaun, who may come to visit us here some time this summer. We’ll keep our fingers crossed. And of course Shuff and Jan, whose house is still the same timeless haven. I took some pictures of the basement and the garden, now that it’s in bloom. We also went up to the attic: a place Henry had never even been. I was simply delighted by these people: Sarah’s husband, Alley, and her kids Avery (13, tweeting hilarious things the whole time), Spencer (11, hanging on Henry the whole time) and Bella (5, who used the word “p0wned” liberally and needed a piggyback every hour just to keep her going); Henry’s Uncle Pete and Aunt Carolyn (the girls’ parents); his Uncle Beirne and Aunt Cynthia (Elliott’s parents) and a host of others. Alley, Elliott, Megan, Henry and I hung out in our room watching The Office and showing each other funny videos on Sunday night after the party. I wish I could go live with each of these people for, like, 6 weeks at a time just to soak in all the funny and niceness.

I have pictures of some things that I don’t have the energy to get up and upload, so you’ll get to see them later. There are so many things going on these last two weeks that I haven’ t kept up with the rhythm I’d started in blogging and posting on facebook. Not to mention making things. I made a skirt on Saturday which I’m not sure if I’ll ever wear. It’s made of this sort of hideous vintage fabric I got at an estate sale.

So, starting with today and working backward: our little Merry is sick and probably dying. We didn’t notice anything until this morning when she was all puffy at the bottom of the cage and unsteady on both wing and foot. Harry kept pestering her so I transferred him to our small cage and in so doing accidentally let him out, whereupon he slammed himself into our picture window twice before I could catch him. He submitted more out of disorientation than truly knowing what was good for him and I swore a lot more than I usually do. He’s fine. But our poor, sweet, adventurous little Merry probably has a respiratory infection which has already spread too far to help. Henry researched it and found out it spreads to the nervous system in the last stages, which makes them unsteady. It’s just a matter of time. You might think it’s silly to cry about a bird, but I feel like such a bad bird parent. There really isn’t anything we could have done to prevent it or treat it, but I’m still sad. I am going to miss her.

I will also miss my Grandpa Swank – who is going home from the hospital on Wednesday and probably going to his real home soon after that. They are turning off his defibrilator because it is shocking him almost constantly and not doing much good. It’s hard to imagine life without him – as it was to imagine how things would feel the same without Grandpa Zigler. They aren’t the same. He will be missed.

Also, during this incredibly busy week – Holy Week for all of you non-liturgical people – my best friend had her beloved Zion (who I got to see get born) and then was taken to the emergency room with fluid in her lungs three days later. I went from highest of highs reliving his birth and going to visit them to fearing for her life and now things are in tenuous balance. She has heart damage that may resolve itself in two weeks, two years or never. I literally CANNOT imagine my life without Bethany. The mind shies away from it. Lord have mercy.

Holy Week has taken somewhat of a backseat this year with all the drama, but I was able to appreciate Jesus’ beauty. I loved hearing all of the scripture directed to Zion during Easter Vigil and thinking of little precious Zion. He was 8 lbs. 5 oz. and 22″ long. He has the longest arms and legs and toes of any baby I’ve ever seen. When I saw that first arm come out of her, I thought: “how was this boy fitting in that tiny body?” I’ve seen births on t.v. and this was both like and completely unlike that. I really felt like I walked away changed. I know it happens every day all over the world and that it’s bloody and messy and really painful, but it does feel like seeing a miracle. One minute Zion didn’t exist and the next he was there. Since Bethany has done everything a few years ahead of me I’ve always felt like she lead the way. She’s kind of my big sister. She and Jere got married after my freshman year and I had the same feeling at their wedding that I did at Zion’s birth: that I was being allowed to watch something sacred and finally understanding it in a way I never had before. From both experiences I walked away changed.

Things with all of my family members are precious and really painful too. Feel free to keep us in your prayers. Also, Henry found out this last week he’s getting a pay cut in July. So that’s a little stressful.

There will be more happy things to come, I promise. Julie and I are talking about opening a B&B here in Chicagoland. Dream come true to work with Julie. 🙂 I got to hang out with the Green girls last week too, and run with Megan and Sarah since the weather has been unbelievable. I’m even eating up these thunder storms. Isn’t April such a great month?

And ya’ll…oh my gosh I almost forgot. Heather Armstrong, of Dooce.com, SENT ME A POSTCARD! She liked the necklace I sent her and called it chic. She says she can’t wait to wear it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here I come moderate fame and tiny fortune!

I just have to say after all this sad stuff, though: God is so good to me. I am more in love with my husband than ever, I feel so grateful for my community and settled in my life, I have so much hope for our future and our church and our careers. I’m seeing my strengths and my calling so much more clearly these days. Thank God for Lexapro and good therapists and time to pray.

Month: April 2010

Oh, the places you’ll go

Tenuous Rest